It's craptacular!

Important Crap

STATS

TIMES

NEWS

Archives

E-mail Figgy

Not Crap

Figgyville

Ed Rooney's Office

Rants & raves

Keep on crapping!

Two craps up!

Thinking about seeing a movie, but afraid it might be crap? Well now you can get the review first!
Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable.

Crap Reviews

The Animal

Freddy Got Fingered

Pootie Tang

Monday, June 14, 2004 : The Chronicles of Riddick (Crap Rating: 7.0) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. Hmmmm, I don't even know where to start with this movie. It looked good in the trailers and I liked Pitch Black and I think Vin Diesel is interesting to watch. This movie actually made The Fast and the Furious look like Academy Award material. Basically, Riddick is still on the run from the law. When he founds out that the bounty on his head is $1.5 million, he decides its time for payback for the poor sucker who put the bounty on his head in the first place. He discovers that he's being pursued by mercenaries because he's needed to fight a bigger battle with these evil interplanetary people called the Necromongers who basically take over planets and force you to convert or die. He discovers that he's actually a Furion which is a race of wild warriors who were the only people strong enough to beat the Necromongers. Riddick tells the people to fight their own battles and that the only reason he's there on the planet is to have the bounty removed from his head. The Necromongers make the mistake of pissing Riddick off. Riddick decides to do battle, but not because he wants to help people, but because he got majorly dissed by the head Necromonger, who is supposed to be this incredibly evil person, but I found him to be pretty innocuous. The creatures in Pitch Black were much scarier than this guy. The effects were good though and Riddick does shed a tear when he loses a friend, but other than that, this movie is nothing special. I will give them originality for story, but I guess it's all in the execution because there are lapses in my memory of this movie since I found myself periodically dozing off throughout it. What a waste of $9.00. Damn it, all I know is Vin Diesel would have been much more entertaining if he had just agreed to come back and repeat his role in 2 Fast 2 Furious with Paul Walker. Anyway, I'm hoping to add more crap reviews as I have just signed up for NetFlix and guess what's on my movie queue "Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star" now that's going to be some good crap right there. Posted by Figgy at 6:59 PM Saturday, May 22, 2004 : Troy (Crap Rating: 6.5) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. I have once again been inspired to write a crap review. I haven't written one in a while because honestly I haven't seen any crap worth writing about, but worry not my readers I have a feeling that this summer is going to be a crapfest for Figgy. I saw the previews and trailers for Troy and was intrigued because like many other ladies out there I think Brad Pittis hot, but I didn't buy him as Achilles who according to Homer's Illiad was the greatest warrior that ever lived. Anyway this is what I know about Greeks from school: they invented democracy, they had many great philosophers, they started the Olympics and their mythology is cool. Here is what I know about the Greeks from Hollywood: they like curls in their hair and the men also like to adorn their hair with aluminum foil, many of them have six-pack abs, fat kings are evil and skinny kings are good, Greeks back in the day all spoke english with a british accent. Think I'm kidding, well then see the movie and tell me if I'm wrong. So basically the story is about how the Greeks went to war with the Trojans all because of a hoochie named Helen. The story starts out with the princes of Troy, Hector (Eric Bana better know as The Hulk) and Paris (Orlando Bloom better known as Legolas from The Lord of the Rings Trilogy) attempting to negotiate peace with the Greeks. They are successful with obtaining a peace pact, but Paris screws the deal (no pun intended) when he decides to get his fairy-freak on with Helen. Helen doesn't want Paris to leave so Paris suggests that she leave Greece to come live with him even though they both know the dire consequences that will follow. Paris is blinded by love, he tells Helen he doesn't care if they have to run forever or if his country will face certain invasion for his actions or that fact that if he is caught he will surely be killed by Helen's brutish husband. Apparently, the punani is that good and Paris risks it all to take his dream girl home with him. Anyway, enter Brad Pitt as Achilles. He is a jaded warrior for the Greek army who hates his king and is just world-weary what with all the killing and shit going on in the world. He decides to fight for the Greeks with the Trojans because he wants his name and story to be immortalized in this epic battle over a whore. Okay maybe I'm oversimplying things, but this is how the story came across to me. The effects are good, the fighting is so-so (not to gory for you squeamish types) and the acting is well Pitt-esque. By that I mean, whenever Brad Pitt starts to furrow his brow or has weird face ticks pay attention he is trying to tell you that he is in the middle of a deep emotional moment. It's not tourette's, oh no, this is Brad's way of saying - this is me in a moment of drama - revel in my skill as an actor and take me seriously damn it, I'm not just a pretty boy married to Rachel from Friends. The movie didn't blow me away, but it was number one last weekend so it'll probably stay number one this weekend, who knows people like weird shit. I mean Gladiator was good enough, but it didn't blow me away and I couldn't understand why it and Russell Crow won so many awards. Maybe I've just always gone against the grain with my taste or maybe I just don't like fat australians. Who knows? All I can say is that Troy was pretty entertaining crap and if you are looking to pass the time at the movies why not witness Brad Pitt in all his gloriousness. Posted by Figgy at 7:46 PM Monday, December 22, 2003 : The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (Crap Rating: 1.0) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. So I never did a review of the Lord of the Rings before, but I thought you might want to know a little something about the end of this trilogy. I will start with saying that this movie lives up to all the hype, unlike the ending to that other trilogy: The Matrix Revolutions (I got sick of the monotone acting and the whole Zion thing was so played out.) Okay so "The Return of the King" was really spectacular in setting, effects, and story-telling. It is a well-crafted movie and well-worth the price of admission. It will undoubtedly garner much cult-like devotionism much like the Star Wars franchise. On a different note, I have to say that there was a lot of what can only be summarized as "gayness" between Frodo and Sam. I don't know if this was intentional, but I've been told that the books also seem to hint at a rather "intimate" relationship between the two. I have nothing against gayness, but it just seemed out of place. After a while, I concluded however that the "gayness" was among the hobbits, not so much among the men or elves in the film, just the hobbits. Are all hobbits gay? No, I wouldn't say that because the movie tries to rid itself of having to explain the blatant homosexual overtones by showing Sam at the end seemingly living in a state of domestic bliss with a female hobbit (Sam is so closeted, trust me on this). Anyway, what's the deal with J.R. Tolkien and his penchant for gay hobbits? This review isn't going to summarize the story of the film because I think this movie deserves to be seen, plus there's a lot of stuff going on in this movie, I mean it lasted 3 hours and 20 minutes and I just don't have the energy to go back and try to remember events, characters, etc. So with that, let me just wholeheartedly recommend this movie and if you have any insight into the gayness drop me a comment down below. Posted by Figgy at 3:21 PM Sunday, October 12, 2003 : Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (Crap Rating: 1.0) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. I loved this movie. Before I see a movie, I tend to like to read the other critics reviews, those big shots from the Chicago Times, San Francisco Chronicle, etc. Anyway, the consensus between the critics seems to be this . . . there is no consensus. There seems to be a group of critics who LOVE this movie and then there's the other half who HATE it saying that it's the most boring of Quentin Tarantino's work. I don't understand it since although I liked Pulp Fiction, I didn't think it was THAT GREAT the way everybody kept hyping it when it first came out. Kill Bill is supposedly the bloodiest movie ever made and normally I'm not a big fan of blood, but this movie was "kung fu" bloody so it was comical the amount of blood people were losing because in reality you know nobody could survive that amount of blood loss. The one thing I will agree with the critics on is that this movie is not very rich on story, but is all about style. Basically Uma Thurman's character the Bride (a.k.a. the Black Mamba) wants revenge against Bill and his cohorts for killing everyone at her wedding and attempting to murder her as well. Bill is merciless as he shoots her in the head even as she reveals that the baby she is caring is his. The Bride wakes from a coma 4 years later, right before she is about to become a victim of a sex crime. Some of his shocking sexual imagery makes me think Quentin might be a bit of a sexual deviant. He's like the Marquis De Sade of film, inserting strange bizarre often sexual situations, that I would never in a million years think of. Yep, there's a lot of violence, but it's only shocking because of the blood that's spurted out (literally spurted out) from nameless stooges sent to attack the bride as she seeks her revenge on her former assassin friend O-Ren Ishii (Lucy Liu. Taking the place of Samuel L. Jackson in the urban fight scene, set in Pasadena, California (Hey who knew there could be so much excitement in the 'burbs of Pasadena?) is Vivica A. Fox. Everybody keeps talking about Uma's weight loss, but where's the props for Vivica, she looks really svelte in this movie. The movie isn't told in normal, chronological style, but through a whole bunch of flashbacks and then about midway there's an anime sequence that was really well done and I don't like anime. (Hello that anime convention I went to in Anaheim that one summer, I can sum that event up in two words "NEVER AGAIN" what a bunch of freaks and geeks, I shudder to think what a Star Wars convention is like). There's a bombshell revealed at the end of the movie that made me really mad that I'd have to wait until February 2004 to see what happens. There's one character I would love to see Uma kill and that's Elle Driver played by Darryl Hannah. Who knew a mermaid could be this evil? I can't wait to see her ass kicked. If you ask me, there's not enough females getting their asses kicked on screen and Uma does a great job of ass-kicking. I would say this is a "must-see" movie, it certainly is the most entertaining I've seen these past few months. The action is pretty non-stop and this movie goes by really quickly, I'm sure it will be the topic of much conversation among hardcore film geeks who probably get ALL the 70s and country western references. Posted by Figgy at 8:30 AM Saturday, October 04, 2003 : Cold Creek Manor (Crap Rating: 9.0) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. When I saw the trailers for this movie, I thought it was going to be somekind of ghost story/whodunit/suspense/thriller. Holy crap was this movie BORING. So basically this movie is about how Cooper (Dennis Quaid) and Leah (Sharon Stone) move to the country after deciding that city life is way too much for them. They buy this old house, complete with the former inhabitants belongings. What happened to the original owners you ask? Well Cooper and Leah didn't ask and later they deeply regret this mistake when they find out the former owner is the town bad guy who has recently been released for killing a man. The bad guy is Dale Massie (Stephen Dorff) who is about as scary as Grandpa Munster. Dale comes back, starts working for Leah and Cooper saying he knows the house better than anyone, he gets on Cooper's bad side. Cooper fires him and Dale plots his revenge. Although he says he's okay with their living in his old home, you know he really doesn't mean it. This movie was directed by Mike Figgis who also directed Leaving Las Vegas, another slow, boring movie although I would never deny that Nicolas Cage is a great actor. Anyway I've summed this movie up in about 2 paragraphs, you would think I'd have more to say considering the movie was about 2 hours long. Two painfully slow hours where I kept hoping something spooky or even exciting would happen, but I got nothing. Posted by Figgy at 2:06 PM Monday, September 15, 2003 : Cabin Fever (Crap Rating: 7.0) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. This movie made me sick. I didn't think this movie was scary, but rather it was more disgusting with lots of blood and gore. Anyway, nobody famous is in this movie, unless you consider Rider Strong from Boy Meets World which I never watched, but my sister pointed out to me as we left the theater. So this movie is about 5 kids who just finished college and decide to celebrate by camping out in the woods, getting drunk, and having sex. While up at their cabin, they encounter a man apparently suffering from oozing bloody sores over his entire body, who ends up vomiting blood all over their ride, leaving it completely contaminated. Anyway, the kids are scared shitless and try to scare the man away, leading up to him catching on fire, unintentionally of course. He disappears in the woods and the kids presume him to be dead. One by one each of the kids become infected with must be some weird cross between ebola and the flesh eating virus. They lock one of their friends in a shed behind the cabin out of fear that she'll infect the rest of them. The rest of the movie is basically just the kids running around, screaming, looking scared when they find patches of the disease appearing on their bodies. Lots of blood in this movie, not for the faint of heart. I have to say though that this movie was crap because towards the end, I was actually rooting for the disease because I wanted each of these kids to die. You know how you might watch any other horror movies and somehow sympathize with the characters, like in Halloween, I really wanted Jamie Lee Curtis to live same with Sydney in the Scream Trilogy, not so in this movie. This movie draws so many references to other movies that I would describe it as, Outbreak meets Deliverance meets American Pie meets every stupid sequel to the Friday the 13th series. The problem with this movie is that all the references it makes to these movies are all cheap imitations. Nothing original here. Anyway, if you're into horror movies and like seeing a lot of fake blood this movie might be for you. Posted by Figgy at 12:34 PM Monday, August 18, 2003 : The Life of David Gale (Crap Rating: 8.0) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. Kevin Spacey is a devious bastard. He loves pulling that "haha fooled you" crap in his movies and real life such as when he told the interviewer in GQ magazine that he liked men only to reveal later on that he's been living with a woman for the past 4 years and need I mention Kaiser Sozay in The Usual Suspects. Also, thanks for bumming me out big time in Pay It Forward when I thought the trailer made it look like one of those heart-warming Forrest Gump type of films where I would leave the theater feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Kevin Spacey is the original prankster, forget Ashton Kutcher and Punk'd. That being said, this movie is no exception to Mr. Spacey's love of screwing with the perceptions of the audience. He plays David Gale, an outspoken advocate against the death penalty who also is a professor of philosophy at some University in Texas. Through a series of bizarre events, he finds himself convicted of murdering another fellow anti-capital punishment bleeding heart, Constance Harraway (Laura Linney). A week away from his execution, Mr. Gale cuts a deal with a reporter named Bitsey Bloom (a fat girl's name if ever there was one) played by Kate Winslet. Bitsey (God, I can't even write the name down without wretching) discovers through her expert journalistic skills that Mr. Gale may indeed be an innocent man and that the murder was a set up to bring down one of the most outspoken opponents of the death penalty in Texas. Gale explains that the forensic evidence found at the crime scene, while compelling, is not an assurance of guilt and that the flaws inherent in the legal system make the entire idea of capital punishment unfair and unjust. He also explains that he thinks maybe another anti-capital punishment advocate is setting him as an example to the world that, yes, innocent men do go to Death Row. Bitsey wants to know how Gale can counter the fact that his semen was found in the murder victim. He explains he was trying to comfort Constance who was suffering from leukemia, what better way to get rid of the fear of death than to resort to some serious boot-knocking. Kevin Spacey do America a favor, stop trying to punk us all the time and more importantly please NO MORE nude scenes. Nobody wants to see your pasty white ass, Brad Pitt's another story, but please if you're gonna bare it all, hit the gym, HIT it hard. His innocence is revealed to Bitsey just prior to his actual execution. She tries to stop the execution, but en route to the prison she gets car trouble. That's right, she works for one of those big-time news magazines, but they can't afford to get her anything nicer for a car rental than a crappy Ford Escort. Does Bitsey succeed in stopping the execution? Is David Gale as innocent as he proclaims to be? Is Kevin Spacey's bare ass as hideous as I describe it? For the answers to these questions and more, you'll have to rent the movie. Posted by Figgy at 1:40 PM Wednesday, July 23, 2003 : Sweet Home Alabama (Crap Rating: 8.5) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. There are some questions to which there are no answers. For instance, where have all the cowboys gone? (or more importantly where has Paula Cole's career gone?) Why are there no "B" batteries? Why does America love Reese Witherspoon? It's not that I think she's a bad actress, but she ain't all that either. I did like her in Election, but she always seems to play the same character, feisty, cute, ambitious. That's all fine and dandy, but really what's the appeal??? This movie kinda sucked. First off, it takes place in Alabama. Do you know of ANY movie that took place in Alabama that was good? If you do, let me know cause I got nothing. Secondly, this movie is beyond ridiculous and nowhere near reality. So Reese plays the character of Melanie Carmichael who goes to New York and becomes a big time fashion designer even though it seems she's been there for only a few years. She meets and falls in love with an up and coming political candidate from a rather distinguished family by the name of Andrew Hennings (Patrick Dempsey). Patrick Dempsey hasn't had a memorable movie role since he did the African Anteater Ritual in Can't Buy Me Love, but he certainly has aged well. Andrew proposes to Melanie and she accept whole-heartedly because 1) he's rich, 2) smart, 3) good-looking and 4) oh yeah he tells her she can have any ring she wants from Tiffany's. Before Melanie can marry the man of her dreams, she has to go back to Alabama and divorce her childhood sweetheart whom she married at the age of 18 when she got knocked up. That childhood sweetheart is Jake Perry (Josh Lucas). He doesn't sign the divorce papers and Melanie is forced to spend more time in the South to convince him otherwise. She's forced to visit her parents, who happen to live in a trailer; Mom makes jam and Dad likes to re-enact the great battles of the Civil War with his other redneck buddies. So from there, Melanie proceeds to act like a first-class bitch by stirring up trouble at the local bar when she gets rip-roaring drunk and basically insults every single person there, including the rather harsh and heartless move of "outing" her gay childhood friend. In the meantime, the Yankees up north start to wonder where Melanie is and also want to know more about her family considering she's marrying one of New York's favorite sons. Soon nosy reporters invade her home town and start asking questions about Ms. Carmichael, who supposedly comes from a old, southern aristocratic family who have lived for years on their ancestral plantation home. Although these are obvious lies, no one in the media has discovered it thus far in Melanie's career. Puuuhhhhleeeeease, Frenchie didn't even make it to the top 5 before the media discovered her rather colorful past. Melanie's true past is discovered, but her fiancee takes it all in stride and doesn't seem upset about it. Me -- I'd take that bitch down and make her life a living hell. A guy this saintly in real life??? Not likely. Melanie also discovers she still loves Jake. In one of the lines in the movie, Jake asks her "why do you wanna be married to me?" and Melanie replies, "so I can kiss you anytime I want." What she really meant to say is "Because we're not blood-related and you have a kick ass truck with a gunrack." I didn't find this movie to be funny or charming, the way it was described in the trailers and previews. In fact, before I watched it I was happy to see it was relatively short at about an hour and a half, but 20 minutes into the movie I was already screaming to my cat "When will this be over, Jesus Christ!!" I told you I just don't get Reese Witherspoon. Posted by Figgy at 5:19 PM Sunday, June 29, 2003 : 28 Days Later (Crap Rating: 2) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. I thought this was going to be a movie about zombies, a good old-fashioned, hair raising, nailbiter. Wow, I was so wrong. This movie actually turned out to be quite deep. I guess I should have known better since the director is Danny Boyle who also directed Trainspotting and The Beach. His movies seem to focus on human nature and what happens when you take away the rules of society and place people in situations involving ethical and moral dilemmas. So who are the people attacking the normal humans in the films, well they kind of are zombies, but instead of being bit by the undead they become the unfortunate victims of a "rage" infection. How does the outbreak begin? With a bunch of animal activists breaking into animal lab, their goal to free a bunch of chimps being used for experimentation. This part seemed kind of implausible to me because during the rescue attempt a scientist happens to walk in on the rescue attempt and pleads with the would-be rescuers to not let the chimps out because they are infected with a virulent disease that spreads quickly. If you got something this dangerous, it better be protected with state-of-the-art security, but the opening scene shows the rescuers pretty much just walking in to the laboratory. One of the rescuers gets bit by a chimp she releases and begins to violently vomit blood, eventually attacking her companions. This scene sets up how the infection escapes and spreads quickly through London and supposedly, the whole of England. Twenty-eight days later, the main character Jim (Cillian Murphy)wakes up alone in a hospital. Besides being able to discuss such deep topics as humanity's cruelty to others, Danny Boyle also likes to attack the issue of full frontal male nudity. It seems Jim was in a coma during the 28 days of rampant infection. He wanders through the once busy streets of London, calling out "Hello" unable to figure out what happened until he comes across an old newspaper stating that efforts for evacuation are in effect. Jim eventually is confronted with a few of the infected and is saved by two other survivors, Selena (Naomie Harris) and Mark (Noah Huntley) who fill him in on what he's missed while in a coma. Not surprisingly distraught, Jim insists on going to his home to see if anyone from his family has survived. Selena argues it's pointless, but they do travel to his home and find that Jim's parents are dead, not because of the infected, but because they took their own lives, perhaps realizing the futility of the situation. They spend the night at Jim's home, he lights a candle, an infected comes to the house and while attempting to kill the infected Mark is exposed to the blood virus. Selena immediately hacks him to death with a machete, explaining to Jim that you only have 10 to 20 seconds before the "rage" virus gets into their system and the person turns on you. Eventually, the two find two other survivors, Frank (Brendan Gleeson) and Hannah (Megan Burns) who are also father and daughter. They embark on a journey north of Manchester because Frank was able to hear a radio transmission stating that soldiers are there and have the answer to infection. Frank is also conveniently a taxi cab driver, so their journey can be taken in style via taxi cab. Upon arriving at their destination, they find the post deserted, Frank distraught walks away on his own becomes infected, again in an almost implausible way. Before Jim is forced to bludgeon Frank to death, soldiers show up and shoot Frank on site. Now the three survivors are taken to the headquarters of this rag-tag group of military personnel. This is where I stop telling you the plot because although the movie is interesting up until this point, I think the really interesting discussions about human nature take place at the military outpost. Of course, interspersed with the story-telling is the occasional attack by the infected, but it's not like a typical horror movie where the killing comes every 5 minutes. They are some long scenes of deep philosophical insight. Jim at one point realizes it is better to take his chances with the infected, than run the risk of enduring the horrors that await his female companions at the hands of the soldiers. Although the soldiers are uninfected with plans of waiting out the infection and starting over, the means to accomplish this task makes Jim realizes their conscience, like that of the zombies, has disintegrated during their removal from the norms of social behavior. What I liked about this movie was more about the technical aspects of the film than the story. The scenes were London is completely still and devoid of life are haunting. The movie is filmed in a documentary style, making it seem more realistic. There is a fair amount of gore, but I didn't mind that. The infected in this movie are truly scary -- think blood-red eyes and crazy shrieking, coupled with the fact that they attack until killed and nothing seems to scare them. The scary scenes aren't those kind of scenes where somebody jumps out of the shadows and scares you, it's more about the anticipation that the scary things are approaching and that there may be no safe place for you to go. So if you're looking for an engrossing film with plenty of action and something to make you think about, long after the movie has ended check this movie out. Or if you'd rather see girls change their clothes a lot and show off a lot of skin see Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. Posted by Figgy at 10:11 AM Sunday, June 15, 2003 : 2 Fast 2 Furious (Crap Rating: 7.5) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. This movie was directed by John Singleton, remember him????? He directed that great inner city drama Boyz N the Hood, followed by his disappointing sophomore effort Poetic Justice. So what has he been up to you ask? Well he was picked to direct this movie, the follow up to that unexpected blockbuster starring Vin Diesel and Paul Walker, The Fast and the Furious. Instead of racing on the mean streets of L.A., Paul Walker's character Brian O'Conner moves to Miami after being stripped of his position as a police officer for letting Vin Diesel's character get away in the first movie. As you may or may not know (or may not care), Vin Diesel is not in this movie because he apparently wanted more money than the film's producers were willing to pay him. In his place is rapper Tyrese who plays Brian's childhood friend Roman Pearce. After getting busted for some illegal drag racing, the Feds offer Brian a chance to clear up his name if he agrees to help them bust a drug lord by the name of Carter Verone (Cole Hauser). Brian says he'll do it, but under the condition that he's allowed to recruit his childhood chum (fresh out of jail), Roman Pearce. Roman's attitude towards Brian is hostile as he felt his friend abandoned him when he was given a three-year sentence in the big house. Roman and Brian enter the druglord's realm under the guise of working for him as delivery men. They must deliver some money for the crook via some fast and furious driving. Of course, you gotta throw in a hot babe, just to make it spicy, enter Eva Mendes as Monica Fuentes, an undercover customs agent who has grown unusually chummy with the druglord. Things get complicated as Brian develops instant chemistry with Monica and arouses the jealousy of Mr. Verone. There you go, that's the movie in the nutshell. The dialogue is pretty laughable and the acting is downright amateurish. Let me just add that Paul Walker's best role to date in my opinion is Varsity Blues, where he had very few lines of dialogue and just basically walked around and sulked, providing some much needed female eye candy in the film (eat your heart out James Van Der Beek). His acting style can be described as Keanu-esque, he really knows how to deliver the line "dude." What works in this movie? The great driving sequences and also the flamboyant and ostentatious display of high performance race cars, both American and Japanese. Mix in some cool tunes and more hot chicks in skimpy outfits and you have a formula that will keep young male boys coming back for more. Hopefully, there won't be a sequel to this flick, but hey you never know right. I mean I never in a million years would have thought Legally Blonde would have been the hit it was and that they would actually make a sequel to it. If there is any justice in the world, there will not be a Fast and Furious 3. Although who's to say, this could actually turn into the Cannonball Run of my generation. Posted by Figgy at 7:55 PM Sunday, June 08, 2003 : Swept Away (Crap Rating: 9) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. This is that awful movie Madonna was in last year that had the distinction of earning her a Razzie award for worst actress of 2002. Adriano Giannini, Madonna's co-star in the film took home the worst actor award for his role in this movie as well. Let me tell you, both of these stars deserve the awards they received. Madonna plays Amber, a spoiled socialite on a boat vacation in the Mediterranean with her rich husband and their equally spoiled friend. Adriano plays Giuseppe or Peppe for short (that's Pe-pay). Amber looking to make her trip more exciting begins to pick on Peppe and makes his life a living hell. She insults him calling him PeePee or Guido, sometimes even referring to him as that short, hairy midget. He handles her insults by daydreaming about throwing her overboard and telling the kitchen staff he's going to kill that f*cking bitch. His method of acting is more in the way of screaming his lines in broken english and throwing his hands up in the air. One day, Amber's husband decides to explore some caves on a remote island and Amber feeling left behind demands to be taken to the caves to join her husband and friends. Of course, she picks Peppe to take her and as a result of a storm and the dinghy seeking (again because of Amber's stubbornness), the pair are soon marooned on a deserted island. They're lost for a month, apparently, Peppe informs her there are hundreds of deserted little islands in the Mediterranean and there is no guarantee they will even be found. Now the tables are turned as Amber realizes she must depend on Peppe for her survival. In a true payback style, Peppe demands that Amber call him Master and wash his clothes, serve him food, get him fresh water, dance for him, etc. He tells her she's a spoiled woman who has nothing better to do than to inflict misery on others. He also tells her he is going to make her love him. So what happens, she ends up falling in love with him of course. Eventually, they are saved and Peppe must confront the inevitable, did Amber love him because of the circumstances of their situation or did she love him for himself? I don't know if the movie really ever answers this. Maybe it meant to but the actors couldn't get the message through. I think the point of this movie is to say that there are some things money can't buy such as love and let's face it no amount of money is going to make Madonna a good actor. She's just Madonna -- the entertainer, not the actress. I will say this, however, Guy Ritchie's technical style and command of the visual medium is top-notch. I really like the way he films his movies, there's always something interesting in his style and editing. A better example of his work is Snatch. This movie really made me want to visit Greece, but besides the great location and look of the film, it is and sadly remains CRAP. Posted by Figgy at 10:37 PM Sunday, June 01, 2003 : Bubble Boy (Crap Rating: 8) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. I was watching cable this weekend and this movie came on. Boy, is this movie crap, however, it's one saving grace is that there are some really great songs for this movie, but the soundtrack misleads you by putting on the movie score instead of the great songs they used. Bubble Boy is played by Jake Gyllenhaal whose character in the movie is named Jimmy Livingstone. Because he has no immune system, Jimmy lives in a plastic bubble. His next door neighbor Chloe, played by Marley Shelton befriends the lonely bubble boy, but realizing there relationship will never get anywhere she soon finds another beau and leaves to get married at Niagara Falls. Jimmy realizing he loves Chloe decides to crash the wedding and embarks for Niagara Falls in a travelling bubble suit. This movie rips off a lot of other great movies, most notably Pee Wee's Big Adventure, but instead of Pee Wee trying to find a bike, Jimmy is trying to find his lost, potential girlfriend. Along the way Jimmy meets a traveling freak show that is run by Dr. Phreak played by Verne Troyer better known as Dr. Evil's mini-clone from the Austin Power's Movies. Jimmy is very childlike because of his sheltered environment, again much the same as Pee Wee Herman. I was almost expecting Jimmy to use at least once the line "I know you are, but what am I." FYI, he didn't use the line. Besides meeting the freaks, Jimmy meets a crazy biker dude (who is later revealed to have been in love with Jimmy's very religious Mother played by Swoosie Kurtz), he also meets an Indian man who runs an ice cream & curry truck. In addition, there is an understory regarding a Heaven's Gate type cult who are searching for Jimmy as they think he is the savior and will lead them to heaven. The leader of this cult is Fabio if you can believe that one. Jimmy finally makes it to Niagara Falls with the help of two geriatric twins who had fought in the past over two other twin sisters named Pu-Tang & Punani. Folks, I'm not making this shit up, it's in the movie. In the end, of course Jimmy gets the girl and he finds out he really does have an immune system, but his overbearing mother just wanted to shield him from the cruel world. So there you go Citizen Dick Lau, I gave you the craps, how does it feel? How does it feel? Posted by Figgy at 12:03 AM Saturday, May 17, 2003 : The Matrix Reloaded (Crap Rating: 1) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. Okay this movie is not crap, but it was so good I felt compelled to write something about it. First of all, is it wrong that whenever I see Keanu Reeves I start singing The Donnas "Take it Off"? Particularly the part in the song that goes "Go on and take it off (take it off!), Shake it off baby for me, C'mon and break me off (Break me off!), 'Cause I get what I want and I like what I see". What else can I say about Keanu? During a recent interview when he was on the LIVE with Regis and Kelly, Keanu commented that he finds watching the kung fu scenes in the movie hypnotic. I relayed this information to Jenn who pretty much summed it up for me when she said "I find watching Keanu's fine ass hypnotic." For those of you who have yet to see the movie and don't want to know the plot, I SUGGEST YOU STOP READING RIGHT ABOUT NOW. So the hidden city of Zion is under attack of being destroyed by digging sentinels that you'll remember from the first movie. Not only is Zion being threatened, but Neo is having nightmares and is unable to sleep worrying about Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss) who he fears he will lose to the Matrix. Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne) awaits word from The Oracle on how to deal with the threat of the machines, but before he can venture up to broadcast level he makes a stop at Zion to re-charge his ship and rally up some support from the Zionites. Neo and Trinity attempt to get some R&R&S (that's rest and relaxation and sex), but the moment they step off the elevator Neo is met by thousands of Zionites offering food and asking for favors after all he's The One. For a second, I was like "Did you people not get the memo, we're casting for The Matrix Reloaded NOT Little Buddha 2? I was also thinking hey man that's not Zion, they're just living in one of the holes the orcs dug in the first The Lord of the Rings. Anyway Zion throws this big party and all the people gather for Morpheus to give a kind of pep-rally speech where he says something to the affect "let us celebrate and shake the cave to let the machines know we are alive . . . . blah, blah, blah." All he really had to say is "Raise the roof" and throw his hands up in the air to get the party started. While Zion is partying, Neo and Trinity, finally alone, decide to get it on, in what looked like to me to be an old-fashioned Italian oven. The scene ends with a rather brief viewing of Keanu's buttcrack. (Note: For a better shot of Keanu's nude ass, I recommend the love scene with him and Charlize Theron in The Devil's Advocate -- let's just say the cameraman got up close and personal with Keanu's fine ass.) Somehow word gets to Neo that the Oracle wants to see him. Neo meets with the Oracle and here is where the story got really confusing -- Neo finds out the Oracle isn't really a human, but rather is a program in the Matrix. Computer geeks will love this movie and probably get it much quicker than the lay person, but there's some discussion about computer viruses and obsolete programs and a whole other bunch of computer mumbo-jumbo that I don't think I'll ever get, but it might help if I saw this movie a couple times to fully grasp what's going on, even then I'm not too sure. The Oracle tells Neo he must find the Key Master, who apparently knows the way to the mainframe of the Matrix. According to the prophecy, if Neo can get to the mainframe they will be able to free the humans from the Matrix. Getting The Key Maker back is not as easy as it seems. Two white albinos attempt to keep The Key Maker away from Morpheus, Trinity and Neo and even though they fail in their task and Neo makes it to the mainframe, the story doesn't end there, but gets even more complicated. Neo meets The Architect, who designed the Matrix and informs Neo that this is only the 6th version of the system. Even after finding the mainframe, The Architect informs Neo that the prophecy is bogus and The Architect goes on and on about human nature and stuff. Anyway the plot is way too complicated to explain the rest of it, but basically Neo is going to have to make a choice (much like in the first Matrix) concerning saving Zion or the life of Trinity. This movie really ends on a cliffhanger and left me wanting more. I can't wait to see The Matrix Revolutions in November. I also sat through the credits to see the one minute preview for the upcoming third installment and I have to say it doesn't give you much to work with, but I'm sure the 3rd movie is going to be totally original with yet more great special effects. I also have to say that sitting through the credits was a mini-movie in itself, the credits rolled for three songs -- do you know how long that is? This movie had more people working on it than the entire population of Kenya, okay I'm exaggerating, but there was a hell of a lot of people who worked on this movie -- especially the stunt people. Anyway in conclusion this movie was exactly what I thought it would be, great special effects, an intriguing story and great kung fu fighting. In this movie, everybody was kung fu fighting and them cats were fast as lightning, in fact it was a little bit frightening. You get the point. Posted by Figgy at 11:22 PM Thursday, May 15, 2003 : Daddy Day Care (Crap Rating: 9) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. Recently, Figgy's Crap Reviews has come under attack for not giving you the best in crap. What is the reasoning behind it? Well I have this to say -- I'm a student on a budget and I just can't justify spending a good $8.50 on watching crap when there are so many other good movies out there that I'd like to see such as The Matrix Reloaded. So anyway I did manage to bring you crap in the form of X2: X-Men United -- I would have to say that was some serious crap. To continue my crapfest, I even saw Daddy Day Care. It doesn't get much crappier than this movie. Eddie Murphy plays Charlie Hinton, an advertising executive who loses his job and forms his own day care center run by himself and his best friend, Phil, played by Jeff Garlin who I found out is one of the voices on Comedy Central's Crank Yankers. Anyway, their new Day Care starts to cause problems for a competing Day Care school run by Anjelica Houston, whose character Miss Harridan walks around with a huge stick up her ass -- she's kinda like a skinny version of Roseanne with a better breeding and manners. The kids are cute and all, but the movie isn't funny. Why isn't it funny? Because Eddie Murphy should stick with what he knows best, profanity and his ability to cut down the white man using a plethora of terms, i.e., honkey, crackah, etc. Eddie finds himself liking his new job because (this is where the movie gets really sappy), he loves spending time with his son. I can't think of one truly funny scene in this movie -- having kids involved means there are a fair number of poop and potty jokes, but who cares. There I saw some crap. If there is some special crap you'd like me to review you can e-mail me at figgycrapmovies@yahoo.com . I also take donations so that you can help me finance my crap viewing for your reading pleasure. I would also like to add that supposedly I have a No. 1 Crap Fan out there, I once saw on TV that there is a bunch of fans of Barry Manilow known as the "Maniloonies" so I'm wondering if I have a following of Crap Lovers would you guys be called "Crappies." I like it, has a certain ring to it. Anyway, that's all I got and I've got to be getting to class -- so later my Crappy Compatriots. Posted by Figgy at 6:14 PM Tuesday, May 13, 2003 : X2: X-Men United (Crap Rating: 8) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. What's crack-a-lackin' my homies? Well you'll all be happy to know that although I haven't posted in a while, I've seen a good share of crap this past week thanks to my Mom being in town. First stop on the Crap Express is X2: X-Men United. I saw the first one and will admit this movie is better, but besides the special effects this movie was crap. I'm not even going to talk about the plot because quite frankly it's pretty lame. It's just a continuation of the first story mutants v. humans. The humans think the mutants are dangerous, mutants fight humans, mutants fight other mutants -- that's pretty much it in a nutshell. This movie has a bigger budget than the first and it shows, but I found the movie pretty boring. Wolverine is all pissed off like he was before and even more sexually-frustrated cause he can't hook it up with Jean Grey. Cyclops is the same one-eyed freak he always is wearing his specially designed Oakleys. Dr. X is . . . bald. Storm is hardly even in this movie. Damn, Halle Berry had it easy in this flick, she pretty much just walks around with her white Farrah Fawcett inspired hair-do doing stuff to the weather. Rogue is trying to get her freak on with another mutant named Iceman (his name sums it up in terms of his abilities). The only cool new character is Nightcrawler, most of the special effects are used to showcase his ability to materialize and de-materialize. Magneto is back also along with Mystique who is like a big, blue Smurf gone bad. Anyway that's all I got from this movie. It's pretty much the same old, same old, with bigger and badder effects. Posted by Figgy at 2:47 PM Sunday, April 27, 2003 : IDENTITY (Crap Rating: 1) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. This movie gets the low rating of ONE because it is not crap at all. This is actually a very good murdery, mystery, suspense, thriller type of movie. The plot is so complicated that this movie could have been crap, but the director does a really good job of telling the story in a way that makes sense. There is a real mix of characters in this movie (all of whom could easily make it as guests on the Jerry Springer show). The characters include a hooker (Amanda Peet), an ex-cop who is now a limo driver (John Cusack), an actress (Rebecca DeMornay), an anal retentive father (John C. McGinley), his wife and her son, another cop (Ray Liotta) transporting a convicted serial murderer (Jake Busey), and a newlywed couple. Through a series of accidents and due to an extreme rainstorm these 10 people all get trapped in a motel somewhere in the desert of Nevada. There's no getting out since the roads are flooded in both directions. The reason they are trapped is due to an extreme rainstorm leaving the roads flooded. There's really two stories going on here, one of them is the story of the 10 strangers at the motel, the other concerns an appeal of a convicted murderer who will be executed in 24 hours. To explain how the stories interrelate would be too complicated and also would give away the ending so I'll leave you in suspense. Both stories, however, involve multiple murders at a motel -- the current story and also the murders that occurred some years back resulting in the convicted murderer being sentenced to death for his crime. This movie kind of belongs to the slasher genre because there is a lot of blood and guts, but the story line brings it out of the horror genre and gives it a Hitchcock-esque vibe. The murders happening with the 10 strangers almost immediately start occurring once all of them are there. The murderer conveniently leaves the motel room key with his victim starting with #10 and working his way back. The convict being transported escapes the custody of his transporting officer and immediately becomes suspect number one. John Cusack playing the ex-cop turned limo driver, quickly goes into cop mode along with the other cop played by Ray Liotta. As each murder occurs, a secret is revealed concerning each of the characters. Soon they start to hypothesize that they're gathering at the motel is not a coincidence and that other more sinister forces are at play. At the end of the movie, all the prior stories and details fall into place. Once you think you know who the murderer is, the story changes again for one last surprise. I can't really say anything negative about this movie because I just thought it was so expertly done, with good actors and a good story. Sorry for those of you expecting crap this week. Posted by Figgy at 11:46 PM Monday, April 21, 2003 : Hello Crap Lovahs That's right I'm talking to you people who come here every week to read my reviews, but don't leave comments. You love this site, admit it. Crap is your guilty pleasure. Anyway, I didn't have time to see a movie this week and let's face it, this was a good week to see crap considering The BulletProof Monk was released along with Malibu's Most Wanted. But if you're dying for more of my crappy humor, now would be a good time to visit Figgyville. Posted by Figgy at 12:18 PM Sunday, April 13, 2003 : ANGER MANAGEMENT (Crap Rating: 2) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. See this movie people. This movie is damn hilarious and although Jack Nicholson is old and kinda developing a turkey neck, you cannot deny that he is a damn good actor. He has a smug "I'm an asshole and that's okay" vibe working in this movie, much like Gene Hackman in The Royal Tennenbaums. So the plot is pretty much summed up in the trailer where Dave Buznik (Adam Sandler) winds up in court for allegedly assaulting a flight attendant on a flight, at first the court orders him to attend 20 hours of anger management. Dave joins an anger management group, nicknamed the Fury Fighters. The leader in charge of the group is Dr. Buddy Rydell (Jack Nicholson). They're mantra is "goos-fra-bah" -- you wanna know what that means don't you? Well, too bad, I'm not talking. One of the members of the group, Chuck (John Turturro) is assigned as Dave's anger partner. Chuck gets Dave in further trouble when he coerces Dave to join him at a bar and reveals he is 1/2 Mexican, 1/2 Italian, and 1/2 Irish (Perplexed? So was Dave.). The two engage in a bar room fight with a bald guy and a blind man, Dave ends up knocking out a waitress and winds up in more trouble with the court, facing up to a year in state prison unless he complies with Dr. Buddy's treatment. Dave must now endure 30 days of anger management therapy under the supervision of Dr. Buddy. Dr. Buddy's treatment is unorthodox in that not only does Dr. Buddy move into Dave's apartment, but he also accompanies him everywhere, including work. Dave's job? He develops clothing for fat cats (by fat I mean grossly obese) -- this was apparently very funny to the lady sitting two rows behind me as she continued to laugh EVERY single time the cat was shown decked out in a variety of clothing. It was funny the first time around, but it wasn't THAT funny the next time -- also, note to reader: laughing with popcorn in your mouth not a good idea, apparently it happened to this lady and I had to listen to her hack/laugh trying to clear her windpipe for a good portion of the movie. Dave's problem isn't that he's really angry, it's just that he keeps it all inside. Dr. Buddy explains that there are two types of people in the world, exploders and imploders. An exploder is that lady screaming at the cashier for not taking her coupons, the imploder is the cashier who calmly says nothing, keeping it all in until they end up going on a shooting spree and killing their fellow co-workers. Dave says "I'm not the cashier, I'm the guy in the frozen foods section dialing 911." Oh no Dave, you are an imploder. One of Dave's biggest problems is with his boss named Mr. Head, who treats Dave like crap. Dr. Buddy sees right through Mr. Head and while making notes on Dave he asks him "Mr. Head, what's your first name and please don't tell me it's Dick." See that's funny stuff, there are a lot of great lines in this movie. My fave scene involves Dave doing some serious "monk ass-kicking" at a Buddhist monastery to a character who tormented him as a child. There are a lot of cameos in this movie, such as Woody Harrelson as a transvestite German prostitute (God, he is an UGLY woman AND I MEAN UGLY). Also making cameos are Heather Graham and Rudy Giuliani. Marisa Tomei is in this movie, too, but her part is mostly supportive. The only reason I didn't give this movie a ONE is because the ending is too "Kaiser Sozay" from The Usual Suspects. I also thought the use of "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story was a bit much -- again funny the first time, not so funny after that. I will say this though -- Adam Sandler I forgive you for Mr. Deeds, good job my friend, good job indeed. To you Mr. Jack Nicholson I say, "Dude, plastic surgery come on everybody's doing it. Do the right thing, fix the turkey neck." I would also like to say that I got to see the trailer for The Matrix: Reloaded and that movie is going to be the bomb-diggity for real. It looks way better than the first, much more intense, lots more action. Keanu Reeves -- you had me at whoa. Posted by Figgy at 9:12 PM Thursday, April 10, 2003 : JACKASS: THE MOVIE (Crap Rating: 2) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. Two people have suggested I review this movie. Did I see it? Of course, I did back when it first came out, but I don't remember much except there was a lot of POOP. (I mean a lot.) This movie basically shows you everything they weren't allowed to show you on MTV before kids started setting themselves on fire or trying to dodge speeding cars, you know doing kid stuff, trying to be jackasses. The people who want me to review this movie have told me this is one of the funniest movies of the year -- is this true? Well, yes I laughed, I cried, I almost threw up. I can't justify giving this movie a ZERO making it a must see because I know there are a lot of people like me, who have issues with POOP. Not crap, like how I describe some movies as crap, but actual POOP -- out of someone's ass. That's why I'm giving it a 2. So you want the highlights, well from what I can remember the funniest scene for me involved some firecrackers being lit at night at Bam Margera's house. (I feel for his parents, I really do). Not only does he enjoy waking up the entire house, he also has no concept of privacy for his father as can be witnessed when he sets up a camera in the bathroom, placed oh so strategically to catch whomever is sitting in the toilet. Another scene, involved Ehren (sorry forget his last name) going into a store that sells toilets and actually pooping into one while the store is full with customers. I don't agree with this kind of comedy, who's gonna clean that shit up? Not me, that's for damn sure and if the owner were smart, he'd get himself a good attorney and sue those pooping bastards. So you know how you tell a joke, but keep repeating the punchline until it gets boring, this is what this movie did. Okay I get it -- you pooped in the toilet, why the f*ck are you gonna show it to me, too??????? They also do this again in the last scene where one of the jackasses, this one being Ryan Dunn, actually inserts an object into his rectum that you wouldn't typically expect to find there and then goes to a doctor's office saying he was at a frat party or something. Anyway, they x-ray Ryan and discover the unidentified object which leads the doctor to suspect that "gay stuff" was going on at the party and that he'd never seen something like this before, also he recommends that Ryan NOT TELL ANYONE about this incident. Too late, Doc, this experience is now forever memorialized on film, put it in a time capsule and save it for the youth of tomorrow to enjoy. So now, not only do you witness the actual insertion of the object, but you have to see it come out in all its glory also, involving again MORE POOP. This particular stunt apparently starts some ethical debate as Steve-O turns to the camera and says "I told my Dad about it and he sounded really disappointed in me. I just couldn't do it." This coming from a guy who enjoys walking around in a leopard print speedo, which is at least 2 sizes too small evidenced by its constricting effect on his nut sack. There Jenn, I managed to use nut sack in a review. My work here is done. Posted by Figgy at 3:00 PM Monday, April 07, 2003 : THE CORE (Crap Rating: 5) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable. So I had a choice to make this weekend, it was either see The Core or Phone Booth. I chose The Core because there's something about Colin Farrell (or as I like to call him Colon Farrell) that bugs me. Is it because he has absolutely no discretion when he speaks about his personal life and promotes promiscuity and one night stands? No, it's not that, he just seems arrogant and, this is the truth, his eyebrows freak me out, I admit it I have a fear of severely bushy eyebrows. Take for example, Oasis, I love their music, but the Gallagher brothers suffer from serious cases of uni-brow and for that, I cannot forgive them. So let's now get to the review. The Core stars Aaron Eckhart as Professor Josh Keyes (you may recognize him from Erin Brockovich, he also looks very similar to Thomas Jane, who starred opposite Cameron Diaz in The Sweetest Thing). Strange things start to happen, such as birds going crazy and flying into buildings, people with pacemakers all drop dead at the same time. Prof. Keyes develops a theory and discovers something awful, something terrifying, something that he immediately passes along to another genius scientist to confirm. That genius scientist is Stanley Tucci as Dr. Conrad Zimsky, he's kind of a prick (AND he also has crazy eyebrows, but not like the Gallaghers). Dr. Zimsky confirms what Keyes already knows and the two meet with the Pentagon for a briefing. Keyes informs the government that the earth's core has stopped spinning, jeopardizing the electromagnetic shield that surrounds the planet, potentially exposing the world to global catastrophes: extreme lightning storms, microwave radiation, the complete extinction of human life. I haven't seen geeks panic this much since the Y2K scare. It looks bad, but the scientists along with the government devises a way that may get the core spinning again: nuclear weapons, GENIUS. You know nukes get a lot of bad press, but sometimes (as in this case and Armageddon) they come in handy. This movie clearly ripped off the aforementioned Armageddon, as well as Innerspace (remember that movie with Dennis Quaid and Martin Short). Well to detonate the nukes, the scientists along with various other crew members, including Hilary Swank and Delroy Lindo, must drill (again clearly ripping off Armageddon) to the center of the earth and set off a nuclear explosion. While attempting to save the world, the government hires a computer hacker named Rat to hack the Internet so that the world won't run amuck knowing that we're all gonna die. Rude, at least give us a chance to party. I like how with these end of the world movies, the fate of the entire world is placed in the hands of a select few, oh let's say 7 to 10 people, and at least a few of them are social maladroits. So as with any save the world movie, people are going to die, I'm not telling you who though, you'll just have to find out for yourself. I gave this movie a 5 because it actually has some pretty decent special effects and that Prof. Keyes is a ham, he's got some damn funny lines and I'd just like to add, he clearly is too hot to be a geek. Anyway, if you're looking for a good way to waste some time, have some laughs, and you can't get into Anger Management this weekend, then see this flick. Posted by Figgy at 9:36 AM Wednesday, April 02, 2003 : Bringing Down the House (Crap Rating: 8) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable I wondered how they pitched this movie to the studios, the premise is fairly standard -- the whole fish out of water thing. It's The Jerk meets Set it Off. This movie was #1 three weeks in a row, does this mean America loves Steve Martin or crap movies? Steve Martin is joined by Queen Latifah, who in my opinion should be renamed "The Dolly Parton of Hip-Hop." Q.L. is huge, you know what was "Bringing Down the House" -------- Her boobs, they're massive. She is Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back" the dyslexic version, instead of having it all in the trunk, it's all in the chest. Steve Martin plays Peter, a recently divorced tax attorney, who begins corresponding with Charlene (Queen Latifah), who he mistakenly believes is also an attorney. Like most online romances, when asked to describe themselves physically to the other person, they lie -- BADLY. The two arrange a rendez-vous where Peter is surprised to find that his online girlfriend is not a lawyer, but actually a loud-talking, bank robbery convicted felon, straight out of da hood. Peter tries to throw her out, but Charlene is insistent that he take her case and clear her name -- wouldn't Johnny Cochrane have been a better choice rather than a tax attorney????? I guess they thought the audience would overlook that point. Peter's business associate, played by oh-so-hairy Eugene Levy, has a bad case of Jungle Fever in this film. If I see him in the trailers one more time saying "You got me straight-tripping boo" I am going to barf. Does Peter clear Charlene's name? What do you think? This movie really let me down. Steve Martin is a great comedic actor as anyone who has seen Dirty Rotten Scoundrels or L.A. Story can tell you. I think this movie could have been funny, but somehow it wasn't, for crying out loud, the movie only had one "yo mama" joke, if they had added a few more maybe it would have been funnier. You pretty much get all the funny moments during the trailers (e.g., Steve Martin taking it to the nuts and Q.L. saying "Who dat?" and also when the kid asks "Dad, what's a rack?" and he replies "It's a country."). It's too bad, the cast is talented enough, but the movie is just plain crap. If you're really looking for laughs, might I suggest Dreamcatcher -- for more information on this film, please read the review below. Posted by Figgy at 2:17 PM Sunday, March 30, 2003 : Dreamcatcher Figgy's Two Cents(Crap Rating = 7) Jenn dared me to see this movie so I did just that and now I'd like to add my additional comments on this film. Dreamcatcher is by far one of the goddamn funniest movies I've ever seen. I saw Bringing Down the House last week and trust me, you will by far laugh harder and longer watching Dreamcatcher. Jenn's review is pretty dead on. I pondered the Scooby Doo reference and all I have to say is that Hanna-Barbera must be making mad royalties from this film's use of Scooby. Scooby is in this movie ALOT, they even steal some of his lines. I, too, am a fan of Jason Lee, however, he doesn't have much of a part in this film, he's only in it for about the first half-hour. In one scene he risks his life while on a toilet for, GET THIS, a toothpick. This really is a Stephen King movie, think It without the crazy ass clown. (A classic Stephen King novel normally features childhood angst, aliens, repetitive use of song lyrics, global domination, and crazy people. All of these things are present in Dreamcatcher.) The aliens in this movie invade human bodies much like that other classic film, the aptly named Alien directed by Ridley Scott. The difference between the original Alien and this film is that once the aliens have incubated they exit their human hosts via explosive diarrhea. Prior to the explosion, you will be treated to a cacophony of sounds relating to flatulence and belching. If you don't laugh during this film, then you're just not getting it. My favorite scene by far involved the use of a gun as a PHONE, I literally had to clamp my hand over my mouth to stop guffawing with laughter. God, that was funny. Even after the film ended, I was still laughing. I'd also like to point out Donnie Wahlberg is a genius, he was pretty unrecognizable in The Sixth Sense and he's pretty unrecognizable in this film. See if you can spot him, I bet you can't. I'm going to have to concur with Jenn, this movie is crap, but probably some of the best, entertaining crap I've seen in a long time. It's so bad, it's worth seeing. I just realized that I did not comment on ANIMATRIX, if you go to see Dreamcatcher, you will be able to see this animation short before the film starts. The animation is entitled "Final Flight of the Osiris", I'm not sure where exactly this story is to have taken place, does it take place Pre-Neo and the Matrix OR Post-Neo, I'm not exactly sure. The animation is extremely life-like and a better title for this short would have been "A Geek's Wet Dream." I won't give everything away, but if you should happen to see this short, you will be treated to what I can only describe as "foreplay -- kung fu style" with a gratuitous close-up of a woman's ass. As you read this, I have no doubt that geeks everywhere are probably trying to download this particular image and use it as a screensaver on their computers. Posted by Figgy at 4:32 PM Saturday, March 29, 2003 : Dreamcatcher (Crap Rating: 8.75) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable guest reviewer: justJENN Jason Lee. You owe me $10 and two hours of my life back. If you are into red meat sauce, farts, aliens, toothpicks, british accents or Scooby Doo - then this is the movie for you. Normally I am anti any kind of horror movie - I'm not even sure if this was a horror movie - but I went to see it under the hypnosis of my love for Jason Lee. The love is gone. This is a Stephen King movie. I should end the review right here - but let me continue...As with all Stephen King movies, this is total crap - and if you've seen this movie - you know that I mean this LITERALLY. Was S. King abducted or something cause it doesn't matter what movie it is - it always ends with aliens. It's so hard to explain this movie cause it's actually several genres rolled into one. Think: Stand By Me, meets Aliens, meets Outbreak. Here are some highlights from the movie: Jason Lee's young version of himself looks like Chachi Arcola. Jason Lee has two lines in the movie that he repeats over and over until he dies and even post-partum. Morgan Freeman rocks a crazy mini Don King hairdo. That's all I got as far as highlights are concerned. The saving grace of this whole thing - before the movie starts the audience is treated to the ANIMATRIX - and peeps - that is the schiznit. Exceptionally good animation that really revs you up for the upcoming release of The Matrix 2: Electric Boogaloo - or whatever it's called. And for you Keanu haters - he's not in it. As for me - my two loves are Jason Lee and Keanu Reeves. I vowed to myself that I would see any and all movies these boys were in. I kept my word. After Dreamcatcher - Jason Lee may be off my list. But I know, Keanu will never let me down. As you can tell - this wasn't so much a movie review as more of a self-serving rant for me - because I want you all to feel the pain I felt tonight as I sat through Dreamcatcher - and I urge all of you to go out and see it in the theatre - because I should not have to suffer alone. Thank you - and goodnight. Posted by justJENN at 3:15 AM Wednesday, March 26, 2003 : Old School (Crap Rating: 3) Movies are judged on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst crap imaginable Alright, upon special request, I am writing a review of this movie. I don't consider this movie crap and I know a lot of other people out there thought this movie wasn't as funny as the previews made it out to be. Maybe I'm biased because I consider Will Ferrell to possibly be one of the funniest men alive. As far as George W. Bush impersonators go, no one can touch Mr. Ferrell. He's just one funny MoFo. I must also add, he is unusually comfortable with his body -- for further explanation see this movie and witness his pasty white ass featured in several scenes. In fact, I was expecting them to list in the movie credits: Will Ferrell's ass -- played by Will Ferrell's ass. I think Will is trying to have his ass take on its own persona a la J.Lo. Will isn't the only funny character in this movie though, there is Vince Vaughn. Vince was especially good in the movie Swingers. Swingers to me is an example of a dick flick (meaning it's a film that guys are really into --you know how girls have chick flicks, well this is the genre of films loved by guys). Also, notable among dick flicks -- Die Hard. Also starring in the movie is Luke Wilson, sibling to another great crap actor, Owen Wilson (for more information on Owen see my review on Zoolander). Alright now let's get to the movie review, the plot is ridiculously silly so right away you know this is gonna be a good crap movie. Three friends in their 30s decide to form a fraternity to relive the fun times they had in college. As with all fraternity movies, mandatory scenes include initiation rights for a bunch of what can only be described as "fraternity rejects." What makes this fraternity different isn't just the age of the members, but also the fact that they will admit pretty much anyone who wants to join provided they are subservient and willing to participate in the fraternity's crazy antics, including a hunt for large quantities of lubricant. If you care to see how this lubricant is used, then see the movie. Will Ferrell also provides a touching rendition of "Dust in the Wind" to his boy, "Blue." Another great singing scene, involves the bastardization of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" sung during a wedding reception. I laughed out loud, seriously, soda almost came out of my nose. The ending of the film really isn't important, it's just the journey that takes you there that makes this film great crap entertainment. Posted by Figgy at 10:45 AM Tuesday, February 25, 2003 : Tommy Boy (Crap Rating: 4) I'm bored so I've decided to write another crap review. Actually, I was thinking about writing one on this movie for a while cause I was watching what apparently was an all Chris Farley movie marathon one day on cable. Tommy Boy is perhaps my favorite Chris Farley movie and let's face it Chris Farley has been in a lot of crap movies (e.g., Black Sheep, Dirty Work, Almost Heroes -- what never heard of those movies? The most obvious reason is that well they're crap). So let's continue shall we. Chris plays Tommy Boy who returns to his hometown following graduation from college. Tommy goes to work at his father's brake plant that basically employs his entire hometown. Tommy is also forced to team up with his childhood nemesis, Richard (played oh so well by David Spade). David Spade . . . let me say that what he lacks in height, he makes up for with really funny sarcastic comments. Spade is basically the sidekick in this movie because Farley is the real star. Check out his riveting performance in the motel during the classic Farley scene "fat guy in a little coat." If you don't laugh or at least crack a smile during this scene, you're dead inside and have no soul. The dialogue between Farley and Spade is great, such as when Tommy comes home and Richard remarks "So you finally finished college?" and Tommy sensing his sarcasm defends himself by saying "Lots of people take 8 years to finish college." Richard replies "Yeah, they're called doctors." If this kind of humor appeals to you, see this movie. This movie isn't all laughs, there are some genuinely sad moments, like when Tommy's Dad passes away from a heart attack and the casting of Rob Lowe. That's right, Rob Lowe is in this movie, this is sad to me, why? well basically I'd say Rob's career at this point was pretty much on the downward spiral having much to do with that notorious sex video he made with a young girl (no I'm not talking about R. Kelly). Rob has since regained his star status thanks largely in part to The West Wing, but now that he's leaving that show who knows what will become of him, but I digress. Following the passing of his father, Tommy is given the chance to take over the company and save the jobs of the town's denizens. To do this Tommy must hit the road with Richard to sell brake pads and here's where the real comedy happens. I don't want to give anymore away because I actually think this is a movie worth seeing. Also notable are the cameo appearances by Bo Derek & Dan Aykroyd. Posted by Figgy at 3:14 PM Monday, February 24, 2003 : Artificial Intelligence: A.I. (Crap Rating: 8) Let me first start out by saying, I love Stephen Spielberg. I think he is a great director, but looks like Stevie went overboard (a la Al Pacino in “Scent of a Woman”) when he directed this film. So I read up on Stevie and A.I. and found out that Mr. Spielberg has always loved the story of Pinocchio, hence his need to create his version of the story via A.I. (which could have easily been named “Pinocchio in the Future: The Long Boring Version”). I give props to the genuinely stunning visual effects of this film, but here’s what I would have done differently, re-wrote script, cut movie down about an hour, and re-wrote script. This movie is basically about that kid from “Sixth Sense” looking for the Blue Fairy to turn him into a real human child. Wait a minute, you’re telling me that this super humanlike robot can’t grasp the fact that hey he’s not a human and he never will be. I thought robots were supposed to be smart. So Haley Joel Osmont (kid from “Sixth Sense”) manages to find himself under the sea (don’t ask me how I probably fell asleep during that part). So Haley is under the sea apparently for one thousand years (say with pinkie near mouth in the tradition of Dr. Evil). So he wakes up somehow and guess what instead of seeing dead people Haley Joel sees the “Blue Fairy.” I don’t know if he really becomes a real boy in the end or not and truthfully I don’t give a shit. Let me just sum up this film in one word . . . crap. Posted by justJENN at 9:55 PM : Superstar (Crap Rating: 5) Alright I admit it, I like this movie. Mary Katherine Gallagher is in my book a “Superstar.” She started out on SNL and got her own feature film, hey she’s funny and America knows it. Mary Katherine is that strange girl in your school that everybody talked about, including yourself. But for real, would school have been the same for you if you didn’t have that one oddball that no matter what you did to embarrass yourself you could rest assured that she or he would do something even more embarrassing to top you. Mary’s just like everyone else, she’s looking for love and the object of her affection is Sky Carrigan (played by the brilliant Will Ferrell). Throughout her desperate attempts to win over her love interest, Mary hooks up with another bunch of oddballs to enter in the school’s talent contest. If you don’t like this movie, you’re horrible. . . . .horrible . . . . horrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Posted by justJENN at 9:53 PM : Corky Romano (Crap Rating: 5) Corky Romano is played by Chris Kattan (the dude on SNL that everybody thinks is gay, ummmm questions to Chris Kattan’s sexuality can be summed up in one word “Mango”). Rumors aside Corky Romano is about a guy who loves animals and who also happens to belong to a mafia family. His one brother is illiterate (but won’t admit it) and his other brother is a latent homosexual. I don’t think I have to add much more to the description of his bros, but suffice to say it supplies a lot of humor throughout the film. Corky must infiltrate the FBI to get back evidence that incriminates his mafia father, Peter Falk. Columbo in the mafia, hey who knew? Corky goes to the FBI, cleverly disguised as Agent Pissant (it’s French okay). The most memorable and often copied scene in Corky involves a bag of coke, a dog, and a bunch of school children. It goes a little something like this “you . . . you got a question. . . .okay, yes, no. . . . . .” You get the picture. Crap it is, but tell me you didn’t laugh when you saw Corky dressed as a girl scout and ask “You guys want some girl scout cookies?” Posted by justJENN at 9:52 PM : Zoolander (Crap Rating: 7) Derek Zoolander is a world-famous model with many looks. His looks include the magnum, blue steel, etc. Sadly, as ridiculously good-looking as Derek Zoolander is, this movie is crap. Derek’s rival on the fashion scene is Owen Wilson (a.k.a. that dude with the crooked nose or the white guy in Shanghai Noon). When Derek loses the male model of the year award to White Guy from Shanghai Noon, he grows disillusioned about his career and future. Derek is brainwashed by a crazy fashion designe, Mugatu (played by the ever amusing Will Ferrell). Derek doesn’t know he’s brainwashed though because he thinks he’s going to a day spa. Anyway there’s not much point in discussing the plot of this film as there really isn’t much of a plot here. Some highlights in the film include the ridiculously funny gas fight scene, brilliantly choreographed to “Wake me up, Before You Go, Go” by Wham and the breakdance fighting scene near the end of the movie. I was not expecting this movie to be as crappy as it was, hello it’s a Ben Stiller film and frankly I find Ben Stiller funny. While there were some funny scenes in Zoolander, it was sadly crap. I just hope Ben’s next film will be a little more entertaining and less idiotic silliness. Posted by justJENN at 9:51 PM : Half-Baked (Crap Rating: 4) I’m sorry this movie is pretty funny. It’s not as crappy as you would think. In terms of funny drug movies, this ranks up there with the Cheech and Chong films. I have no doubt that the actors in this movie were not simply acting high, but that drug use was actually a pre-requisite to working on this film. So as can be expected one of the characters in the movie is named Mary Jane, that’s funny stuff. Posted by justJENN at 9:50 PM : Joe Dirt (Crap Rating: 7) This movie features that great sarcastic actor David Spade as Joe Dirt. Joe embarks on a mission to find his long-lost parents who abandoned him at the Grand Canyon. Joe is the epitome of white-trash complete with the stereotypical mullet hairdo. Joe’s mullet isn’t by choice which he explains throughout the movie (he undergoes a makeover by the end of the movie). As far as crap goes, this movie is indeed crap, but with some funny moments. Especially memorable was a scene that pays homage to the classic “Silence of the Lambs.” Posted by justJENN at 9:48 PM Sunday, February 16, 2003 : Pootie Tang (Crap Rating: 5) I have to say this movie was pretty damn hilarious at times. It was sa-da-tay (if you want to know what that means you will have to watch it for yourself). Pootie Tang has his own language and is an all-around cool dude. There’s lots of cameos in this movie, especially with Chris Rock. I think this movie did not rate as high on the crap meter simply because they kept it short at only 81 minutes (thank God, any minute longer and I think the comedy would have worn thin). Posted by justJENN at 10:57 PM Saturday, February 15, 2003 : "Freddy Got Fingered" (Crap Rating:10) This is the worse movie ever made. This movie really sucks ass. Based on this movie I think Tom Green should be legally declared mentally retarded or that his mother should be investigated for drug use during her pregnancy with this dumb bastard. Think of the crappiest movie you have ever seen and multiply it by 1000 and you still aren’t even close to how awful this movie is. I’ve seen a lot of crap movies, but for real this is the worse. Tom Green is an idiot, I kid you not the funniest part was the “Daddy would you like a sausage?” routine and that lasted all of 7 seconds. Got crap? If you don't, then buy this movie. FYI, I just re-read this review before posting it and you know how you might see something then time has passed and you say "hey it wasn't all that bad" well that is not the case with this movie. This movie is painful to watch because it is just that bad. I'm sure now that I've piqued some of your interests you might try to watch it. Dude, you have my sympathy and don't say I didn't warn you. Posted by Figgy at 8:56 AM Friday, February 14, 2003 : "The Animal" (Crap Rating: 5) Let me dismiss any false expectations you might have about this Rob Schneider film, this is no "Deuce Bigalow." The Animal is pretty self-explanatory in plot by anyone who has seen the trailers for this film. He’s a dude who gets in an accident and receives animal parts to replace his damaged human ones. His love interest in the movie is that chick from the first “Survivor” TV series, Colleen Haskell (wow nice career move . . . NOT). So anyway this movie was mildly entertaining, wait for it to come out on USA where you can watch it every weekend like they did with "The Waterboy.“ Posted by justJENN at 7:01 PM

Figgy's Crap Movie Reviews